Credit Card Debt & Secrets: How to get out of the cycle of shame
Unlike mortgages, student loans, or even car loans, credit card debt carries a sense of shame along with it.
These are some wonderful articles about steps to take to get a hold of credit card debt (The Balance, Nerd Wallet, Federal Trade Commission).
But this specific article hones in on the important aspect of the shame that can keep someone trapped within this debt.
Here are some steps to help move from hiding under shame towards creating a plan out of the hole:
De-Toxify Your Shame: Shame is a wonderful evolutionary emotion that we have that can help us know when we are doing something that we are not proud of (it gets to be Toxic Shame when we get paralyzed by it). Like our own internalized Jimney Cricket from Pinocchio, shame can be our guide towards behaving in ways we know we should be behaving. Take time to listen very carefully to what your shame is suggesting you should be doing differently with the spending and debt. This serves as a segue for the next step.
Open Up To Trusted Others: One of the aspects of shame that can be maladaptive is that it can make us isolate. Push through this… choose your closest person in your life and tell them about the debt. Let them know that you are not looking for answers, but just for them to listen. In order to start making spending changes, it helps when the people closest to you know what you are going through. And many times, you’ll be surprised that your friends might also open up to you about their debt issues as well. People you would never imagine to have credit card debt might be struggling just as much.
Open Up To Your Partner (Especially if married): This step is at times more difficult than opening up to trusted others. Especially in instances of Financial Infidelity, your partner might not know about the extent of the debt. And if you are legally married in Texas without a prenuptial agreement, this means that the credit card debt is communal property — they’re on the hook for it, too! There are some subsections to this step:
They are likely to be upset, and that is ok. Let them express their feelings of being hurt. If things get too heated, take a 5-minute break from the conversation and then try to come back
Focus on the next steps to taking care of the debt and conquering it together
*If you are avoiding telling them out of fear of abusive repercussions, do not tell them alone. If you are victim of domestic abuse, contact the Domestic Abuse Hotline by clicking here to get help - https://www.thehotline.org/. Your debt does NOT mean you deserve to be abused. Violence is never justified.
Start You Plan: Now that you have your supportive group (those people you’ve enlisted to be your people you can open up to about this), it makes the weight lighter, gives you space to plan your way out of the debt, and a group of people who know what you’re going through so they will put less spending peer pressure on you.
We need a supportive community (even if it is a small one) to help us go through big life changes, such as paying down big debts.
If you (or someone you know) needs help with this, give me a call. Couples Financial Therapy can be wonderful for helping discuss these issues. If I am not a good fit, I will help them find someone who is.
Email: DrZepeda@FinancialTherapyTexas.com
Phone: 713-291-9553