Your Cheatin’ Wallet — Financial Infidelity

When infidelity is cited as a reason for relationship dissolution, people generally initially think of a type of romantic or sexual infidelity (and most research is dedicated to the healing from that type of relational wound).

However, some stats suggest we should be looking more closely at Financial Infidelity. Like romantic/sexual infidelity, Financial Infidelity is a crossing of boundaries and expectations of behavior within the relationship. Unlike romantic/sexual infidelity, those financial boundaries and expectations are often times not clearly defined in relationships (or many times not at all).

Let’s look at some of the numbers from the recent study by Garbinsky, Gladstone, Nikolova, & Olson (2020):

• A survey of more than 5,000 American adults identified keeping money related secrets in relationships as the “no. 1 financial deal breaker”

• Financial infidelity admission rates range between 13% (TD Bank 2017) and 22% (Huddleston 2019a). The following are the most common financial secrets people keep from their significant others:

  • hidden bank accounts (35%)

  • significant credit card debt (23%)

  • unpaid student loans (8%)

  • bad credit scores (8%)

  • Financial infidelity admission rates are stronger among those explicitly combining finances with partners or spouses, where 41% admit to committing financial deceptions and 75% say financial deceit has negatively affected their relationships (National Endowment for Financial Education 2018).

Most efforts for setting up financial conversations about expectations and boundaries tend to be emphasized at the beginning of the relationship (within marriage preparation courses, etc.). While this is very sage advice, it creates an idea that the beginning of relationships is the only time to have those conversations.

Expectations and boundaries (both romantic/sexual and financial) should be discussed continually throughout your relationship. I recommend that all couples (whether co-mingling assets or not) develop the following life-long habits to keep these expectations clear:

• Set up an annual budget meeting every December/January for the new year. The amount of detail that you will go into with the other person will vary on the level of co-mingling of money that you are doing.

• Be transparent* about debt AND financial dreams. Many people focus solely on the financial liability during these conversations. While this is important, the hopes and dreams of the couple are very important as well. These aspirations will shape the financial values as a couple. And the couple with a shared financial dream will be more likely to keep up the financial expectations of the relationship.

• Set up a tracking mechanism. Budgets and financial dreams are only useful if they are consistently tracked. Using tools like Mint.com or TrueBill.com are helpful for making sure that you are staying on top of your goals and working towards those dreams.

*Sometimes the motives behind the Financial Infidelity stem from fear and is a way of protecting oneself (one study showed that 99% of domestic abuse involved financial abuse as well). If you are experiencing a type of financial abuse and need help, call your local shelter or go to The National Domestic Violence Hotline page for help.

If you or someone you know might need help with this, have them give me a call! If I am not a good fit, I will help them find someone who is.

DrZepeda@FinancialTherapyTexas.com

Phone: 713-291-9553